Jeffrey D's Club Guide*
Reality has it that many people do not know how to behave in
nightclubs, especially cannibals. Problems at nightclubs are almost
inevitably caused by cannibals. Armed with this idea, watch how we
follow the logical progression for choosing which men to pass by and
which men to eat.
As you approach the club, you may see a line. If you are concerned
about how long the wait is, casually ask the bouncer but don't let on
that you're thinking of eating him. He's likely to be a big huge guy
and will put up quite the struggle. Look for a little Asian boy. If
there's a coat-check, the line may simply last as long as the coats
can be hung and the admission fee taken. Rest assured though, if there
aren't any little furry collared or shiny sequined coats in there,
there aren't any little Asian boys.
Wanna get in faster? Arrive with women. Bouncers let the women in
first. But remember, you don't want to eat them. They taste fishy.
Besides, you can't make urban oyster surprise with a woman.
But! Bouncers on the whole tend to be jerks and frequently ignore the
men. In a place like Milwaukee, some bouncers make you wait for 30-60
minutes during freezing cold winter Saturday nights. That's okay, it
only builds your appetite.
To be perfectly honest (as I always am...), NO meal is really worth
more than say, a 15 minute wait, especially if the bouncer is clearly
being a dick. The problem is that the longer you wait, the more those
little boys dance and the tougher their meat gets. Then you'll have to
drug them to get them to relax later.
Don't continually nag the bouncer about how much time you have spent
waiting. They don't care how hungry you are. They get paid to stand
there and look dumb and since they are going nowhere fast, so will you
be if you harass them.
Tipping may not be a city in China, but it will get you into a club
more quickly. I'd say a realistic rate is about $10-$15. I know, I
know, it sounds like a lot. Well, you're right! Anyone can slip the
bouncer a few bucks, so it's up to you to pay more and stand out, if
you want to get in faster. Besides, look at it from the net gain
standpoint at the end of the night, you're going to be up one wallet
and roughly 45-100 lbs of grade A choice man-meat.
The Jeffrey D. clothing rule of thumb: It is always better to be
over-dressed than under-dressed because if you're over-dressed you
have a story as to why you look good, but if you are under-dressed you
simply look socially inept. And socially inept = hungry.
Dancing. I love dancing. Most guys can't dance to save their lives. I
can and if it's one thing that pisses me off, it's drunken beefcake
meatheads who have no idea how to dance and come in packs (like flashy
gay zebras), sometimes taking over the main part of the dance floor.
There are two fundamental problems here: like I said before, dancing
toughens the meat; and if they're traveling in a pack it may be harder
to separate a smaller, weaker one from the herd.
And here's news for you (although it shouldn't be): constantly bumping
into women on the dance floor will not make them interested in you,
but rub up against a man and he'll be your little buddy for the rest
of his short little life. Just don't tell him that's only going to be
about 4 hours.
Another approach is to make eye contact, reach out and shake their
hand while introducing yourself during a time when not a lot of
movement is going on. But generally the rule is, if you indicate
strongly to a man that he's gonna get laid by being with you, he's
yours. And then you can have your beefcake, and eat it too.
If you suck at dancing, by all means, continue to dance but tone it
down. You don't need to harass everyone else on the floor just because
YOU suck. Besides, this draws attention to you, and let's face it; you
don't want everyone to remember who went home with who last night just
in case someone comes up missing.
Don't fight your way to the bar, order a drink and stay there. I don't
care how hot the bartender is, you must never eat him. There are other
people trying to get wasted and this makes the bartender your
unwitting ally. Therefore, take turns buying drinks for everyone.
Alcohol lowers inhibitions and sweetens the meat increasing your
chances for an easier, tastier meal.
Bartenders aren't working for nothing. They get about $6/hour and the
rest is made up of tips (up to several hundred $$ on weekends). If
they make you a drink, you may want to leave a little more. In
general, a dollar per drink is about right. Remember, you're going to
get this money back, especially when you think how much lean kobe beef
costs at the Winn-Dixie.
Don't forget that there are other people out to have a good time while
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